butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
