good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
