im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
