if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
