I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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