dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
