Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
