I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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