Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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