I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
