apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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