I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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