I didn't shave. On purpose
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
After tacos, we're chasing women.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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