It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
