I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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