when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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