I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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