Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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