so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Randomize
