Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
