Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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