I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
