Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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