dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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