ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
