I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
