Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
