my phone needs a breathalizer
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
