Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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