I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
