Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
