I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
