So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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