who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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