Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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