rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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