So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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