He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
