I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
