I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
