I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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