You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I love black thongs
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
