I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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