yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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