Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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