I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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