girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
