I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Randomize
