what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
