I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
