I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
